Yesterday I made the decision to drop out of college. Yes, I know what you're thinking. I truly am insane. How could I be so talented, so ahead of everyone, have it SO EASY, and be top of the class, only to drop out? And to do it after such a rough time, when I'm unstable, nobody believes in me and everything points towards failure. Well, it's a long story. Probably far too long to tell here. And don't get me wrong, I'd be more than happy to, but I feel like it's the kind of thing that's better off in a book. Perhaps a certain novel I'm writing.
But to hell with it, doesn't hurt to mention some of my thoughts. I never liked school to begin with. I understand its purpose and role, in my life at least, but it's something I was no longer happy with. I've always been the guy to go the extra mile, as ridiculous as it could be. Whether it was page 399 #20-50 evens, or the year's final project, my work always had my seal on it. There was no mistaking whose it was, and I'm not referring to my name at the top of every page. Have no doubt that I always did my best in school, and college. Unfortunately, as time went on, it started turning more into a drain of energy than the place of inspiration I think it should be. That, plus living alone, drugs and alcohol, the pressure to keep my head up, and a social dissonance that I've always carried, took a huge toll on me.
There's nothing worse than losing sight of who you are. Feeling like nothing in your life is right, and you're just making it worse. Everything is your fault, and your opinion holds no value. As much as people tell you that you don't have to prove anything to anyone, you do; you really do. However, it IS true that you first have to prove it to yourself. I'd never felt the need to do this, and when it finally happened, it left me dealing with a situation that I didn't want to be in, for reasons that I did not believe in. I wasn't going through college for myself, I was doing it for my parents.
There's always been something fundamentally wrong between me and society, and it's simply that I'm different. It's terrifying, but I don't see it as something wrong anymore. I'm a weirdo, a freak, but I'm also the only guy who'll be willing to help you no matter what. I'm the guy who'll always keep the better version of you in my heart, who'll always give you a second chance no matter how big the grudge is, and who'll believe in you despite what you believe about yourself. I can't stay in college because I don't believe in college. I don't believe in the idea that you can't be anything until you graduate, and that once you do, you're destined to work for a big company and hopefully climb your way to the top, day by day. I'm not the guy who wakes up every day at 5 to run for a couple hours, come back and ready up for 8 hours of meaningless work, and return at night to sleep and rest for the same thing tomorrow. I'm not a tryhard; I'm a visionary and an idealist, and it escapes me how anyone could NOT be so. How could you not love to your fullest? Dream boundless? Do shit because you want to and not because you need to? I can't conform to routine because I'm not a machine, I MAKE machines.
I don't know what the future holds for me. How could I? I could be making the best decision of my life, or stepping into a huge waste of time. I might end up having to work an office job in the end, but I doubt it because I'd rather die before that happened. And who cares, anyway? The point is I'm doing it for myself, not because someone told me to. "Why? Because I can."
I'll be working on a bunch of projects I've had in my mind for too long. Needless to say, I'm open for collaborations on any kind. Hopefully will be getting back into music and writing as well. I love you all, and I hope to hear from you. Cheers![Wolftacular - Insurrection]